We open to the nice sunny beaches of Beaumont, Texas. The sun is just coming up over the east skyline, and it appears Morning has reached the Eastern Texas seaboard. As the camera slowly zooms into the beaches we see long stretches of umbrellas, mostly without people. It is December you know! The water is roughly 50 degrees F.
The camera keeps getting closer and finally we see a man laid out in a lawn chair. The man appears to be sleeping, sunglasses sideways across his face, slumped over in the chair under one of the large beach Umbrellas. He’s wearing nothing but a sunhat, and speedos. We’re finally able to make out that it’s “Lovely” Lance Mingle of the Fans Wrestling Federation. Lance snores away in the winter sun.
A nearby Seagull comes from the sky and lands near Lance. It squakes for a moment, looks around for any leftover food. Finding none, the ugly sea bird takes off, but on it’s way out, it leaves a little white surprise for Lance Mingle that lands squarely on his knee. That impact combined with the CAW of the bird wake up the slumbering hunk of man.
“I’m WOKE! I’m WOKE! Bahct what the hell was that? “
The bird makes a noise and takes off as Lance becomes animated.
“Stupid flying rat! I’ll give you something to chew on!”
Lance takes off one of his flip flops and tosses it after the bird, missing by a mile. The sudden force makes Mingle lose his balance and the lawn chair falls over on the beach. Empty beer cans clatter as he tries to get back up, the back of his Speedo dipping ever dangerously close to “The Grand Canyon”.
Finally he gets to his feet, finds his balance, and stretches in the morning sun. He runs his hand through the hair on his belly. Looks out at the ocean before reaching down, picking up an open beer can and taking a long chug from it, before tossing it to the ground.
“Finally… It’s Christmas!”
Lance looks down beside the chair to find an old beat up gym bag. He reaches in and pulls out a red hat with a white ball at one end. He places it on his head, grabs the rest of the bag and heads for the public shower area. He leaves the mess behind.
“So much to do, so much to see, so much magical Christmas for me! I love this time of year.”
Lance staggers sideways for a second, then he finds that perfect middle area between hung over, and ready for round two. He continues on.
“So I have to get a 12 pack, one for each day of Christmas! I need more hairspray, going to need to pick up a… “
Lance stops suddenly.
“Oh shit, I have a match first! That’s why I’m in Texas! I knew there was a good reason.”
He finds the shower, turns it on, sets his thing aside and gets under the falling water.
The battle royal for a shot to be in the World Title Tournament didn’t exactly go my way. Got down to the final couple people before BLAMMO! Eliminated like a horse at Santa Anita. Harry Black was the one to throw me over the ropes, and hurt my chance at making more money… and nobody fucks with my hair money! Don’t they know AquaNet is runnin a sale right now?
Lance shakes his head in disgust. Pulls a bottle of very expensive shampoo out of his bag, and slathers it into his luscious head of blonde mullet hair. He then reaches into his speedo and slathers… well something else.
So as fate would have it (and the guys who run Fans Wrestling Federation), decided the best place to put Lance Mingle on the show is against the man who eliminated him in that very match. I like that!
Lance holds the front of his speedo open so the shower can wash his netherregions.
Now I don’t know much about Harry Black! I know he’s an English Feller, he speaks a little better than I do. He got all the way down to the final two in the battle royal before Zombie boi threw him out and won. Now Zombie boi gets a place in that damn title tournament. Meanwhile Ole Lancey here is on the outside looking in. So how do I get back on the inside? How do I get put in the money matches? How do I get more beer?
A lightning bulb.
“Winning! That’ll work!”
If I beat Harry Black on the very first Pay Per View in FWF history, they’re bound to give me a bigger match! Bigger matches mean bigger paychecks, everyone knows that. Alright, I gotta sober up.
Lance turns the water all the way to the coldest setting.
“A little shrinkage never hurt anyon...hollllly shit that’s cold!.... Kirk OUT!”